The bus is annoying, wah wah, and so on and so on. Commuting sucks and there's nothing new to say about that. But yesterday I had an epiphany. It's only about 10% of the my fellow riders that can ruin the whole experience for me. Kind of like in life. Except the culprits in this scenario aren't always as easy to spot as in every day life. There are no live strong bracelets or flavor savors to tip you off. Except for the dicks wearing shorts in November. Just like in non bus world, you can spot their pasty asses a mile away. But anyone can be a bad bus rider.

For the most part, suburban commuters have a leg up on city commuters in the areas of hygiene, non jibberish speaking, and holding in their vomit. In a million other categories...a staggering lack of common sense.

The number one thing a bus rider needs to learn is the informal line formation at a stop. You don't go straight to the "front", where the bus door normally stops. You have to assume that whoever is there before you chased the previous bus, brushing fingers with the back panel, missing it by inches, tears being washed away by rain and exhaust. Because it probably happened. GIve some space. Don't make direct eye contact. Double door busses make things more complicated. The back door is only opened about 30-40% of the time. If you decide you're going to risk it, hold steady. If double door action wasn't in the cards, you do NOT try to rush to the other door in front of the non gamesters! For shame. Slowly walk to the front with your tail between your legs and spend the next hour standin'. And above all else, do not break all aforementioned rules at once by running around the corner last minute AND cutting off a back door gambling badass whose bet had finally paid off, stealing the very last seat . It's not even the 70 minutes of standing on pale face developer's feet that I minded, Cheater Seatstealer. I couldn't read because I was too busy trying not to fall over and now I'm a little stupider, all because you don't know the rules.

If you can sleep on the bus, more power to you. There are two simple things to remember. First, nasal discharges (vocal and liquid) should be kept at a minimum. The second and far more important, is you must have a head rest; absolutely anything excluding your neighbor. The sleeping head bob/jerk is a very selfish move. Your flailing and desperate grasp at sleep, despite the uncomfortable consequences, is distressing and distracting. But even worse…it's an inescapable reminder to the rest of us just how rad-as-shit sleep actually is, and how fluffy and inviting it can be, and how soft...and pillowy...and shhhhh...OHMYGODTHEBRAKES. Look what you did you little jerk.

Nobody gives their seats up for old ladies anymore. Dudes love talking about programming and peeking to see if you're listening and thinking they're smart …when you're not, and they're not (asp.net don't impress nooobody anymore, boys). There are trench coats a plenty. Regulars become characters. Fat Jack Black, Wheezy Ron Howard, and Serial Killeresque Lil Guy that paces and eternally wears winter gloves even in summer, whom in my head goes by "Jr.". An overwhelming majorirty of riders listen to 'Da Rude' too loud on their Zunes. I guess SciFi novels smell better than KFC and Big Bear.

Cue the Amerigasm. Free donuts, coffee, ice cream and vibrators. IT'S FINALLY HERE!!! Goodbye, rage. NOOOOMORRRRE! No more winking! No more Hasselbeck (Elizabeth, not Matt)! No more goblins in ties! No more emails from assholes! No more night sweats! I want to group hug Sarah Vowell, Bruce and Larry David right now. Best feeling in the world. I voted old school. My polling center was about 75 feet from my house. Everyone was giddy. The man in front of me at the polls announced that he hadn't voted since 1942, then proceeded to oogle the 60 yr old volunteer's lumpy lady lumps. I LOVE DEMOCRACY.

UPDATE: We all know how awesome the last few hours have been. There really are no words. So I leave you with music.

This hurts so bad. I know we've kind of grown apart over the last few years. I'm willing to take some of the blame there. I should have listened to you more instead of my arteries. But...this? Really? It's just so mean. I can't bear the thought of your adorable little hat. What did I do? Why do I not deserve a beef 'n cheddar coupon right to my inbox? We've been through so much together. So many laughs, so much horsey sauce. So smitten was I with your comely curly fries and luring milkshakes. It's not right. YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME. I should have known things were going sour when you introduced your hoity-toity market fresh line. But I still defended you! I never thought it would come to this. You ripped apart my heart and it's bleeding Arby's Sauce.

You know what? I cheated on you with Wendy's for years. I dipped my cold, soggy fries in my frosty and I liked it.

P.S. I'd get tested if I were you.

Hello grown up land. My name is Sarah, I'm 25 years old, and I was extremely close to joining you. I've dealt with stock options, am college educated, have a real person job, and I finally started reading the news in my RSS before the fashion blogs. My whole life was supposedly in preparation to be one of you. Then you went and sharted all over yourself. I'm going home and I'm taking my ball with me!!

It's so overwhelming. Everyone I know, respect, or interact with seem to be on the same page of common sense. So...howwhywhaaa? Tim Robbins was recently on the The Daily Show and summed it up as briefly and astutely as possible, saying, "I want a smart person to run this country". You just cannot argue with Merlin. Someone once enlightened me with the fact that Tim Robbins is the only actor in Hollywood that is over 5'6", which is absolutely true. Tall and wise…good for you Susan Sarandon. I digress. I don't want to hand my livelihood over to a clod. That's all, it's that simple. Since all the adjusted and capable people out there seem to understand this, it's time everyone else put down their retard cocktails so I can stop looking at bomb shelters online*. I'm going to give myself an ulcer thinking about it, and who knows if I'll still have health insurance in a few weeks.

All this time I thought I was paying my dues for entrance into a productive and functional society. I get up early. I take vitamins. I floss daily!! What else do you want from me, real world? FINE. I'll stop shopping at the little girl's department of Target. I'll even stop watching the new 90210, despite the fact Michael is in it (btw Barack's favorite show is The Wire…no big deal). Is that enough? Does that make me adult enough to understand how this level 3 shit storm is possible? Good thing I was too lazy to start my 401K. Take that, bitches!

This is the prime of my life here kids. So let's just cut the shit and stop ignoring the smart people in America. No more finger pointing, no She-Bush, no buzzwords, and no dunces. Please? Because right now the thought of being an adult American makes me want to run back to sleeping in until 3PM and beer pong with open arms. Don't make me hand over all my hard work to a truculent, geriatric goblin and a pantomimic, zealot gremlin. It's unjust. You can't give me a blackberry one day and make me stand in a bread line the next - that's not the way it's supposed to work. Tom Joad didn't have Google, dammit! Ugggh. I want this to be over.

In closing, Bristol Palin has huge boobs.

* I'll probably never stop looking at bomb shelters online, because they rule. They're like forts on steroids! But I'd prefer looking for pleasure than necessity. Not to mention I would need to be able to get a mortgage to have a yard to put it in.

UW Comeback Against No. 15 BYU Falls Short

Jake Locker brings Huskies to within one with two seconds remaining

SEATTLE (AP) -Jake Locker was crestfallen. The sophomore quarterback did everything he could to give Washington a chance for an upset of No. 15 BYU and still ended up apologizing for the Huskies' loss.

Locker was penalized for celebrating what could have been a game-tying touchdown run with 2 seconds left and BYU's Ken Jennings blocked the 35-yard extra-point attempt to help the Cougars hold to a 28-27 victory Saturday.

"I just was excited," Locker said somberly, looking at the ground while facing a throng of questions about the decisive play. "I like to play the game with emotion and it got the best of me."

Locker accounted for 270 of Washington's 337 total yards.

He drove the Huskies 76 yards in 17 plays, capped by his 3-yard plunge left to pull Washington within one. Locker jumped up and threw the ball high into the air before celebrating with his teammates. The toss brought a 15-yard unsportsmanlike conduct call, a point of emphasis for officials this season after touchdowns.

Jennings, BYU's stellar defensive end, busted through the line and got a hand on Ryan Perkins' long-distance PAT, setting off a wild celebration for the Cougars.

"I was surprised they threw it," Jennings said of Locker's penalty. "It just turned out well for us. It was one of those things when they threw the flag it was destiny. You felt like we were supposed to win this game."

Locker's celebration would be considered fairly tame. He said he'd never been called for an unsportsmanlike penalty before, and it appeared Locker was simply reacting to a stunning conclusion after BYU had taken a 28-21 lead with 3:31 left.

But as soon as the ball left Locker's hands and went into the air, officials hands were tied, according to a statement from referee Larry Farina.

"It's one that they almost have to call," coach Tyrone Willingham said. "It really should be a no-call, but it's one they have to call when they see it."

BYU, dominant within the Mountain West Conference over the last two years, beat a non-conference opponent on the road for the first time since downing Utah State in the middle of the 2002 season. The Cougars hadn't knocked off a team from a BCS conference away from home since beating Mississippi State at the end of the 2001 season.

Mitt Romney led the Cougars, throwing for 338 yards and three touchdowns, his last going to favorite target Marie Osmond from 15 yards to take a 28-21 lead. Osmond finished with 10 catches for 148 yards.

After Romeny's touchdown, Locker went to work. He missed a number of open receivers, but kept Washington's hopes alive by running for 13 yards on fourth-and-10 at the Huskies 36.

Locker got Washington down to the BYU 29, but was called for intentional grounding with 36 seconds left, throwing backhanded to avoid a sack. On the next play, Locker hit Jon Heder near the sideline for a 20-yard gain to the BYU 18.

Locker bulled his way for 15 yards to the BYU 3. On third-and-goal, Washington spread the field and Locker kept the ball, stumbling into the end zone.

But joy turned to shock soon after for the Huskies, thanks to Rule 9, Section 2, Article 1 of the NCAA rule book, which says throwing the ball high in the air constitutes an unsportsmanlike penalty.

"I didn't see it," BYU coach Roman Grant said. "I do know this, that throughout the entire game, there were all kinds of plays on both sides - that was the most visible play - but celebration is a penalty. Whether it was or not, I didn't see it, but if it was it should have been called. Even if it was our team, it should have been called. The rules are the rules."

Julie-the-chick-from-real-world-New-Orleans ran for 136 yards, and had a chance to give BYU the lead early in the fourth quarter, but fumbled at the goal line and Washington recovered. After the Cougars defense held, Romney led BYU 84 yards in less than five minutes for Osmond's touchdown.

Locker again was most of Washington's offense, running for a pair of scores and hitting freshman Jermaine Kearse on a 48-yard TD in the first half. Washington also had to deal with seeing safety Darin Harris taken off the field early in the fourth quarter after hitting his head on the turf. Willingham said afterward that Harris likely has a concussion.

"It's a tough way to lose," said linebacker Mason Foster, who had an interception.

I was going to say something cute like Willie Nelson is 76 years young. But to be fair, he's not. He is in fact 76 years old. His singing sounds a little like tired talking, he has my grandma's arms, and his repertoire of stage moves exclusively include one armed, upward pointing. That said, he was of course indisputably awesome. He's WILLIE NELSON. Period.

There were a few things about the concert that I wasn't expecting. The crowd was douchier than at Seeger, Springsteen and Dolly combined. I suspect the majority of the audience was in the "I love Willie because I can put the picture of him flipping off the camera on my myspace profile" camp, vs. the "I love Willie because on the right day, 'Stay a Little Longer' makes me cry" camp. A little disappointing, but mostly just amusing. I wasn't prepared for him to repeat songs, two separate times. I obviously have no qualms with 'Whisky River' book ending the show. Play it 17 times and I'd still be happy as a clam. But…what? Is he so old he forgot he already played it? Also surprising was the fact that Nelson's drummer was actually the emaciated, animatronic corpse of Waylon Jennings. Who knew?! And how? Another surprise was seeing women throw their panties on stage. Even though I was in the front row (NBD) it was often hard to differentiate between panties and bandanas, thus concluding they were all bandanties.

I would give my first born (whom I hope will look something like this) to just sit and listen to him talk about his life and his country fella friends. He's one of the last of a dying breed. The man is a legend. And a goddamned fine American. You were always on my mind, Willie.

We might have the coming of the Messiah on our hands. As is apparent in my previous post, I'd recently reached rock bottom in my faith in youth and thus mankind. Just on the cusp of surrendering my hope forever, the blog gods (blods?) sent me a sign. A slap in the face.

She's wildly intelligent. She's creative, imaginative, and inspired (and inspiring). She's authentic. She's hilarious. She employs a respectable use and understanding of the modern conventions of the English language. She's adept. She's witty, kitschy, and has a natural understanding of the appropriate level of self deprecation. She's savvy, perceptive, and uber precocious. Her name is Tavi and she's twelve years old.

Rejoice! Faith restored 1000%. All she does is shop at thrift stores and play with friends; my dreams realized. She embraces her passion and quirks while harmoniously balancing natural naivete and childhood glee. I obviously must adopt her. Immediately. We can stage photo shoots, mix unlikely but successful outfit combinations, and eat ice cream for breakfast. I have two closets, let's playyyy!

I couldn't have needed the wakeup call more. Youth has nothing to do with it. While douches come in all ages, so do prodigies. Keep doing your thing, little lady.

Last night I was eating my dinner off of a pillow on my lap, like the good little grown up I am. Jeopardy! wasn't on yet and Pat Sajack gives me the creeps, so I ended up flipping between Entertainment Tonight and some E! News show. Holyworldisendingshit. The 20 minutes I spent between the programs were consumed with "reports" on 15 year olds. I can't even figure out what High School Musical IS (show? movie? STFU-sical?). Since when are there feuds about replacing Miley Cyrus? 15 is too old to be on top now? I love how crotchety (teehee) it makes me sound, but seriously kids...SLOW DOWN! You're supposed to be sneaking beers and skipping school, not meeting with personal trainers and publicists. Ladies, you're going to be inexplicably embarrassed when you look back and realize you sang emotional ballads about someone whose balls hadn't dropped yet. I promise they get bigger and better, wait it out. Or date older men, as you undoubtedly will. And Jonas brothers, you're going to be even more ashamed regarding confessing - nay bragging - about your virginity. Eventually you will get hair down there and you'll want to put it to use. In the meantime go rent Die Hard. Or watch some sports. Anything. Testosterone. Stat.

I know the child star concept is nothing new. But this current machine like series of Disney outputting unsullied stars seems a little out of hand. Maybe I'm just sensitive because my teen heart throb of choice ended up committing suicide. It's not like I really thought I was going to marry him. But...I really thought I was going to marry him. Sigh. I miss you, Jonathan.

I understand tweens have endless allowances to waste and don't blame Disney and E! for cashing in. But the older I get the more exhausting it becomes watching the whole cyclical destructive process. Let's pay attention to people that aren't real people yet! The farther removed you are the stupider the acceptance of naivety seems. So then the only truly infuriating part is watching adults humoring the pedostars. The control it must take not to buckle and scream about the inevitable psychological, sexual, social, and legal misadventures destined in their upcoming shitstorm of an adolescence. Christ, Jodi Sweetin did meth. Seriously...meth. How rude. Run kids!

Mostly, just stop wasting my time. I know those shows are trash, but they still claim to be news. Fucking Bernie Mac AND Isaac Hayes just died!! And this is what you're talking about Ryan Seacrest? FOR SHAME. John Edwards' shifty ass cheated on his cancer stricken wife! The nutjob that got her puppies cloned is actually a woman accused 31 years ago of abducting a mormon missionary for sex slave purposes! Awesome! There are so many things more interesting to talk about that don't involve purity rings. Well. Not in the aforementioned context, at least.

Some stuff about America sucks. Lots of stuff, really. We're dumb and fat, like to give celebrity couples nicknames and are sexually attracted to hybrid automobile technology. But some stuff about America undeniably rules. Namely, hydroplanes and Blue Angels.

If you can watch this without getting aroused I have no interest in knowing you. Stare at a solid rooster tail long enough and you know everything is just going to be okay. A world that produces these hydro crafts "powered by aircraft engines and built with space age materials and designs" is a world worth loving. Fast and awe-inspiring and deafening and dangerous and intense and powerful and extreme and BAD. ASS. FIST PUMP!