My cell phone was stolen on June 2nd. Over the course of 3 days, Thiefy McDickFace made 72 calls to Cuba and Guatemala (mostly to the numbers 50255343206, 50222550144, and 534-266-4587), downloaded 26 ring tones (including but not limited to Llamada De Cuba, Dale Mamita, Hola Papi, and Shrek: My Butt is Itching Up a Storm) and 1 ring back (Get it Shawty by Lloyd), totaling $1,714.75.

T-mobile says despite the obvious fact I did not make these calls, I'm responsible for them. This makes me sad.

I can think of 1,714 different ways I would rather spend $1,714. In fact, that's pretty much all I do. I would rather buy a 59 year subscription to National Geographic. I would rather buy a Royal Rumble pinball machine. I would rather buy 1,585 Taco Bell Soft Tacos. I would rather buy 2 1/2 Nikon D40 Digital SLR Cameras. I would rather buy 45% of a frozen yogurt machine. I would rather go to Space Camp 4 times. I would rather buy Seahawk season tickets. I would rather buy an ATV and a cute helmet. I would rather buy a giant back tattoo involving Cuba, Guatemala, and a middle finger. I would rather buy a Wii, Xbox 360 Elite, Playstation 3, AND a DS Lite. Oh god. That one got me. I'm too depressed to continue this game.

1,714